F1 Race Stars Review

F1ALLSTARS FEATURE

When F1 Race Stars and Hitman: Absolution were dropped on my desk the other week, I thought ‘good golly gosh, I must be the luckiest boy in the entire universe!’ Having already gotten some time with Hitman, which I knew was going to be fun, I looked at F1 RS with a child-like glee. My favourite genre of game is Kart Racing; a fact I forget in-between their sporadic releases. So, with this goodwill in mind, I gave up my copy of Hitman so someone else could review it while I got to experience the joy that could only come with racing around a cartoon track whilst firing hilarious and wacky weapons.

Playing F1 Race Stars was like leaving on a trip to Disneyland, only to unexpectedly find yourself in the hospital with a Doctor saying ‘Well the good news is that you have AIDS.’

F1 Race Stars has about as much content as a tablet or smartphone game. There are twelve or so racing teams, with two characters per team to choose from. There are, as far as I can remember, around eight tracks to choose from. There are three modes (slow, not so slow, bordering on not slow) to compete in. And there are, all up, around ten or so different abilities/weapons to use – only each team is limited to three. They are very, very boring to use, and revolve around a party theme of balloons and streamers.

When I initially complained that there was no drift mechanic, only accelerate, reverse, and shoot (the rest of the buttons mapped to HONKING), a colleague of mind reminded me that F1 Race Stars wasn’t a kart racer, it was a shrunken racing game. As a kart racer, F1 Race Stars is forgivably bad. It’s problem is that it lacks any kind of fun or reward or incentive not to smash the disk into little pieces. As a racing game, it is the 101 of how to not make any racing game ever. What kind of racing game HAS BALLOON WEAPONS?

This game is utterly worthless, and I’m hazarding a guess that the millions they would have spent recreating real F1 racers and teams (sorry, I forgot to mention that – I didn’t want to give the impression in any way that this helped the game out) would have been better spent on making a game that felt more like a game than a gift you’d give to your least favourite child.

F1ALLSTARS SS1 F1 Race Stars Review

Pro-tip: Focus on the road!

As the game is content-less, it’s unfair to expect me to write a content filled review. Instead, here are a list of racing games better than F1 Race Stars:

  • Crash Team Racing
  • Mario Kart (any of them)
  • Imagining playing Mario Kart
  • Speed Freaks
  • Muppet Racing
  • Diddy Kong Racing
  • Chocobo Racing
  • Barbie Race and Ride
  • Racing your own shadow
  • Racing your own shadow at night
  • Turtle racing (where you put them in a circle and the first one to cross the line wins, it’s actually pretty sweet)
  • Assassin’s Creed
  • Syphon Filter
  • StarCraft
  • League of Legends
  • Dark Souls
  • Grocery Shopping
  • Tripping over slightly on your way off an escalator
  • Wondering if you still have your pre-order receipt
  • Trying to get to that five dollar note you see on the ground before someone else notices it
  • Watermelons
  • Walkmans
  • Books tied to string in the rain
  • A woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the bus
  • Wondering if your leg feels itchy or if there’s a family of redback spiders about to burst out of your skin
  • Scuba Diving
  • Octopus
  • Car Keys

F1 Race Stars is the perfect game in a dimension where fun is illegal and bad for your health. Unfortunately, the game isn’t broken, so the score reflects what happens when you remove any semblance of enjoyment and happiness from a mechanically sound game.

  • Xbox 360

The Verdict

Don't buy F1 Race Stars, ever, unless you really detest money, equality, democracy, the power of the human spirit, puppies and kittens. Otherwise this will be right up your alley.
5
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