It’s no secret that I detest both video games and the gaming industry. I hate hearing about them, I hate playing them, and most importantly, I … hate … writing about them. At this point, the only thing that keeps me going are the substantial pay checks I get from publishers to praise their games. Hell, my review of F1 Race Stars landed me a flat in Dubai, and under the condition the game didn’t get a ten. Don’t ask me how it works, I just get sent the games, don’t play them, write the review, sell the game and then get my cash dollars.
I’ve been waiting years to write this article, but looking over my initial submission, a 20,000 word essay on “Why Video Games and Gamers Should Be Gassed All Of Them, Just Gassed, Human Rights Are Reserved For Humans”, I realised it wasn’t publishable. The title was too long for a start. So I’ve cut it down to the top 5 reasons video games suck.
5They make people violent
This has been an industry secret for years, and now I’m finally ready to pull back the curtains of ignorance and shed the warm light of truth upon the greater world. Yes, it has been science-proven, by people using science and test-tubes and metronomes and shit, that video games do make you violent. For Example: I was on the train the other day, and some guy bumped into me from behind and said sorry and I just totally took him out. Despite the absolute triviality of the situation, and the fact he was sorry, some part of me was screaming to make sure that such an injustice couldn’t happen again.
Think about it: I don’t even play games and I was violent. That’s how bad it’s gotten. Merely existing within the same space as video games turns innocent, good-natured people like me into bullies who are liable to assault ten year old boys on trains. Damn, I think he was going to school. Hope he used the old “walked into a door” excuse.
4Corruption is rife within the industry
Case in point – I get paid to write everything I say. I’ve written time and time again on the failings of Final Fantasy XIII, when nothing could be further from the truth. I think that game needs to win a Grammy and an Oscar and a TED talk. The visuals alone make Leonardo Da Vinci’s pathetic pieces look like the work of an incessantly masturbating geriatric, but, writing against the game bought me a new Jag. My third new Jag, to be precise. Let me tell you something kids, it’s a profitable industry.
Something else that you may not be aware of is the whole interview process. No-one, and I mean no-one, in the games journo biz has ever interviewed a developer. Developers aren’t allowed away from their computers. The UN Convention on Human Rights actually expressly forbids developers talking to other human beings. Normally, a representative from the publisher will usually turn up and put on a wig and just talk shit like they know what’s going on. Hell, my best interview was with a publisher that OD’d on smack while two hookers tried to desperately bring him back to life. The only question I needed to ask was “can I leave now?”
3Video games aren’t art; they’re terrible
Does no-one understand what art is anymore? Art is a thing like a painting or a movie or something, it’s not a game. I don’t give a damn about how much Journey gave you a nerd boner, it’s not art. “But Mark, it’s story is deep and driven by emotion!” So are my bowel-movements, but that doesn’t make it art. How does a good art-style, subtle communication of the human experience and a moving spiritual epiphany make something ‘art?’ Have you people never been to a museum or building-with-paintings-in-it? That’s art, where stuff doesn’t move, and when it does, it’s a movie like The Tooth Fairy or Dinner for Shmucks.
People lost their collective shit when Roger Ebert was like “games suck and they are worse than butt-flossing with a towel make out of piranha teeth”, but how is he wrong!? TELL ME. This guy knows art, he watches movies all the time, and I bet he’s played a thousand games. QED – games suck.
2Video Games are addictive
Another bombshell to drop – video games are more addictive than bath-salts, crack, and bubble-wrap combined. “Where’s your evidence!?” I can hear the neckbeards cry. Beside the veritable millions of labcoat wearing doctor professionals that can testify to this (and they would, if the gaming industry controlled mainstream media wouldn’t keep silencing them with force) , I can personally call upon at least three occasionswhere video game addiction has affected people in my life.
Like there was this one time, where I called my friend, right, and I was just saying shit like “Hey dickhead let’s hang out”, and he was all like “Don’t say that word, god dammit you know I hate that word” and I was like, “Don’t be a dickhead let’s hang out and burn some wildlife” and he said, and I quote, “Dude I think I’m just going to stay at home, I’ve got a lot of work to do and my little brother wants to play Mario Kart at some stage. He’s just gotten back from hospital, he’s fighting, but we have no idea how long he has left … you understand.”
Oh, but I do understand. Look at that quote – see anything funny about it? I asked my friend to hang out with me, and he replies with “I have to play video games”. As a responsible adult, I did the only thing I could, calling his parents and telling them that their son was a piece of garbage that needed to be tied up in a basement for three weeks to get all the gaming out of his system. Judging by how quickly they hung up, they also thought the situation was serious and needed to be dealt with post-haste.
1They make you fat and alone
I used to be the sickest and most ripped dude around before I joined the gaming industry. Four years later, I’ve put on 178kg and developed diabetes of the anus. Do you have any idea how bad anus diabetes are? It’s damn atrocious, I have to take a suppository for it, and that pill is jagged. According to the hot chick at the pharmacist, they make the pill specially for me, so I can’t imagine how bad it is for the other suckers with anus diabetes. But yeah, 178kg, from all the sitting I have to do. Sure, my reviews only take like 15 mins to write, but there’s a professional obligation of pretending to play I have to get through, and that takes a lot of time on my arse.
And lonely. So, so lonely. Thanks to the fat thing no-one sits next to me on the train, and I can’t carpool because I leave massive sweaty stains on the seats. People have burned their cars after I’ve had a lift with them, and not even for the insurance. Just to burn out the memories. I even tried to make friends online, and you’d think, YOU’D THINK, that being a gamer would open up the doors to millions of people that want to be your friend, but still I’m avoided. I try to start a simple conversation, like “yo noob bet u suck balls LOL ;)” and the chat room clears like my anal diabetes are contagious. And they’re not. I promise, they’re not. I think.
Video games suck. Not only do they destroy lives, families, people and ten year-old schoolboys noses, but they have destroyed me. Screw you, Video games.