Nintendo, It’s Time To Fix Mario


If Nintendo are going to insist upon releasing the same Mario game over and over until the end of time, then they really need to give this tired old horse a makeover. No more of this fresh coat of paint and a new way of jumping rubbish, we’re talking a full-scale reboot of Mario and what he stands for. It’s time to bring the Italian plumber into the 21st century.

1Change Mario’s Backstory

If Mario is going to stand a chance against modern games, Nintendo will need to improve the character to match the current interpretation of ‘emotional storytelling.’ It’s twenty years since Mario last saved Peach. The pair has married, had a child named Toad, and subsequently divorced. Today, he’s a hard as nails ex-plumber with a life shattering addiction to mushrooms and nothing to lose.

2Stop Saving Peach

Peach is a lost cause, seriously, 20 plus games and she can still get kidnapped by Bowser? This time it’s Toad whose been stolen, and Mario will do anything to get her back, even if it means laying off the shrooms and contacting Peach for the first time in five years.

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Maybe it’s time for Mario to move on?

3Force Moral Choice on the Player

Drugs are horrible, but a quick fix can get Mario out of a jam. Toad hasn’t seen Mario since she was five years old, remembering him as an angry yet good human being with a heart of gold. Each time Mario takes a hit, he becomes mentally and physically disfigured to the point where Toad might not remember him. Do you take the easy route and risk loosing your child’s love, or do you lay off the shrooms to try and do right by your kid? Intense.

4Turn Mario Into an Actual RPG Already

Seriously, why continue with the platforming? Mario would work perfectly as an RPG. Nintento have tried it in the past successfully, and now it’s time to expand on it. The game had all the hallmarks of an RPG during its venture into 3D on the N64, just replace the paintings with different towns, throw in a few side quests (like ‘Fix My Plumbing Mario) and you’ve got a flavour of the month RPG.

5Make Bowser a Company

No one hates people anymore, they all hate corporations. Bowser Corporation is the perfect enemy of the people, and need to be removed from all the towns that Mario visits in order to save the lives and culture of the people that inhabit it. Now he has a reason to go to other worlds aside from giant gold stars.

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The Bowser Corporation


6Turn Yoshi Into a Motorbike

Mario is a bad-arse. He doesn’t want to be, but his cynical attitude has made him one, so what better way to instill fear into the minds of his enemies than with a bitching Yoshi hog? Just be sure to give Yoshi some exhaust pipes that shoot flames, and replace his tongue with a laser.

7Pipes Give Mario Nightmares

Surely spending so much time underground in confined spaces has taken its toll on Mario. Otherwise, why was he forced to turn to drugs? To break into Bowser Corp, Mario needs to scale the sewage system, and forcing the player into these nightmarish situations will encourage them to reflect on their own life choice of spending hundreds of hours underground. In pipes.

8Give Mario Guns

This is modern gaming we’re talking about people, guns are a staple in everything…or at least everything good. But don’t give him Rambo weapons, Mario can’t afford good shit, he can only buy crap weapons or whatever he finds on the ground. Fortunately downtown Mushroom Kingdom is loaded with criminals, so it’s pretty easy to find a shotgun hidden in a shoe in some back alley.

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Super Mario: Modern Warfare


9Include a Flashback Side Quest Detailing the Death of Luigi

No one’s going to take this seriously unless some hard hitting adult content is in the game. When Mario visits the pipe where he grew up, Nintendo should throw in a flashback quest to the day Mario and Luigi entered a drain without first checking the weather reports. A flash flood ensues, and in an instant, the historic pair is separated for the last time. Return to the present, and Mario finds out that in order to break into Bowser Corp. Mario must re-enter the pipe that claimed his brother’s life.

10Re-Record all the Iconic Music in a Minor key

The original theme was too positive anyway.

11Instead of XP, use ‘Star Points’

That way Nintendo can keep the hardcore fans happy.

12Make the Title One Word

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