Note: I, nor anyone else at Dusty Cartridge, condone the exploits mentioned below; we’re simply documenting their existence.
Humans are pretty amazing creatures. In the short time we’ve been on this planet we’ve come to master the skies, the sea, life, death and outer space. There is literally no limit to what mankind can accomplish and with medical and, with technological advancements being what they are, who knows where we’ll all be in a thousand years. (If we haven’t blow ourselves apart.)
But we’re also kind of messed up.
Don’t ask me why, but if you give a man/woman a little bit of power, they’ll abuse it to the nth degree. It seems to be an irrefutable rule. From the mightiest kingdoms to the service department at Bunnings Warehouse, power corrupts.
But SOME people are a special kind of screw-up. To them, it’s not just about messing something up; it’s about the pleasure to be had while destroying it. It’s about finding subtle and interesting ways to accomplish this appetite for chaos. Bending the rules and royally screwing something so hard that passer-by’s will stand and marvel at your achievement.
So it’s no surprise that some of the greatest and most off-putting-ly-hilarious things gamers have ever done come from this desire to, for lack of better words, screw the system. Should we look away in disgust, disavowing any knowledge of their exploits? Probably. But it’s just so damn hard to not marvel at their genius, their sickness. So, here’s to a dip in the sadistic end of the gaming pool as we look at five of the most ludicrously abhorrent ways players have bent the rules and had themselves a bit of cheeky fun.
5Plantations and other shenanigans with The Sims
To be fair, The Sims is kinda boring. Let’s be real, how long did it take you before you got fed up with your little digital family and started making their life a living hell? We’ve all seen or, at the very least, heard stories about it. You drop them in a pool and remove the exit ladders. Put something in the oven then pile wooden furniture in front of it so the house burns down. Gorge your Sim relentlessly with food and drink then delete all the toilets.
Everyone has their own sadistic method of torment. But that special breed of person I mentioned before, the ones with a penance for bending rules and throwing good taste to the wind, has taken this concept a little too far, with 100% accurate recreations of 1800′s American slave plantations. Nothing spells wholesome family fun like cotton picking and white slavers.
4Auschwitz-style concentration camps in Roller Coaster Tycoon
Again. I, nor anyone else at Dusty Cartridge, condone this, we’re simply documenting its existence. Believe it or not, there’s a “fake” game by the name of Holocaust Tycoon that’s been doing the rounds for years.
The fable stems from a troll image of a custom map made within Roller Coaster Tycoon. All in all it’s pretty uninspiring. Drab surrounds, a train to shuttle in new arrivals, gallows and row after row of holding cell. How could anyone find this interesting enough to actively pursue and play? Because of the fictitious gameplay details.
If it wasn’t already clear, instead of managing a fun-filled amusement park, your “goal” in Holocaust Tycoon is to oversee an internment camp whilst avoiding the attention of invading allied forces.
Here’s a few snippets of what to expect in game.
As with most games of this genre the early development is the most important stage, as the structure of the camp is crucial to its survival. Controversially, players are encouraged to cram as many people into huts, to heighten profit (referred to in-game as ‘death toll’).
Eventually, as the camp develops, more options become available. For example, the player must then negotiate contracts with various loyal companies, such as gas providers, freight rail and allied computer companies (Apple is available). The object of this game is to build an organised and brutal camp, allowing your Commandant promotion whilst gaining the love and appreciation of the Master Race.
And what can you expect from the allied forces?
American Soldier – A medium-strength unit, but will sit around eating hamburgers when not fighting. Once he is fighting, he will strangle your men with stockings, club them with Hershey bars, or use any other stuff that he might have handy. Very rarely will he know how to work his gun. The American military training system just doesn’t work like that, yet somehow they always seem to kick your ass. Or at least let the Russians do the work then take the credit. Highly prone to friendly fire and team killing.
British Soldier – A strong yet easy to fathom unit. The Briton will fight till his dying breath, but is extremely vulnerable at certain times of the day. For instance, at four o’clock in the afternoon, he will immediately stop fighting and have a cup of tea with toast, marmalade and, when it’s an officer, he’ll have biscuits. On Saturday and Sunday you’ll never see a British soldier, because it’s their weekend. The British are very strict during combat; at all times they carry a small copy of the Geneva convention. Before each battle the Brits first take this book to check what they can, and cannot do during combat. At this moment they are quite vulnerable. WARNING!! Keep your soldiers away from British leftovers! The British meals will immediately poison your soldiers.
3General silliness with ‘name your character’ games
Much like the entry mentioning The Sims, we’ve all culprits of this. We load up a title with every intention of giving it a serious go, get to the prompt asking us to input a name and are henceforth known as Sir Dicks.
It’s childish, it’s moronic and it serves only to lessen the emotional impact of the game for the player and the player alone, but man is it funny. What space adventure isn’t made better by the presence of a commander named Pussy Sheppard. Or a hero of time who goes by the moniker WangDongle. And when you finally claim victory over the Elite Four what name is transcribed in the annals of history? DickInAss of course!
2Perverted HARDcore Fallout players
Every good hero has a failing. Spiderman is directly responsible for the death of his beloved uncle. Batman is torn by the untimely loss of his parents. Personal struggles, if handled well, make characters feel real and turn an average story into a great one. So why should video game protagonists be any different? All the best game characters already follow this rule.
Gordon Freeman is the man responsible for the current sorry state the earth is in, what with his whacky science experiments and all. John Marsden is a former gang member trying to go straight and make an honest living. And Booker DeWitt has so many skeletons in his closet I wouldn’t even know where to start.
But what if you’re playing a game were the main character is one of your creation? And what if this failing isn’t one that paints you in a heroic light? What if it did the exact opposite? Making you a social outcast. And, what if, no matter how hard it was to actually play the game with said handicap, you stuck with it till the very end? Welcome to the world of HARDcore Fallout.
Technically this could work with any ‘create-your-own-adventure-ish’ game but, believe it or not, there exists a breed of Fallout player who takes it upon themselves to play through the entire game, roleplaying, in their bedroom, as either a murderer or sexual deviant. ‘How does that work?’ I hear you say. I kill people in Fallout all the time. Yea, well when you do it, it’s on a whim. Killing someone to watch the giblets spatter about is fun. But killing someone because you’ve given your character an unhealthy compulsion to do so and role playing the killing, speaking for your character as they commit the act is, just creepy. And don’t even get me started on the sexual deviant bit. Basically, it’s the ultimate, schizophrenic, role playing experience.
1Mr Bones’ Wild Ride
As far as cheeky fun goes, this is the tamest entry on the list but it’s also the most well thought out and therefore the most sadistic.
Imagine, if you will, this serene setting. You wake up one morning, family aflutter, because today’s the day you promised to take the kids to the amusement park. You pack a nice lunch, get the carry bags ready and buckle your family up in your sporty little eco-friendly minivan. As you pull up to the park, you can hear the fair ground music booming from within and crack a slight smile, envious of your children’s obvious excitement. Tickets paid, sunscreen applied, hats on. You’re all ready for the day ahead. “What ride will we go on first daddy?” Your daughter asks. You study the park map, trying to get your bearings and spot a creepy looking figure in the upper corner promoting ‘Mr Bones’ Wild Ride.’
It looks amazing, the star attraction of the park. Your mind is made up and you lead your family with a meaningful stride. As you round the corner, you stop for a moment, startled by a giant statue of a skeleton tipping its hat. The entrance to Mr Bones’ Wild Ride in all its glory. And guess what, there’s no line! You can’t believe your luck. Your kids run on ahead, practically bursting with excitement, but you can’t help but feel a little uneasy. The park attendant strapping you in to your little two-seater motorised cart has a glazed look on his face, like he’s dead inside.
You put it down to him not being a morning person and ruffle your son’s hair to break the tension, “here we go!” You say. You and your family are never seen or heard from again. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Mr Bones’ Wild Ride is an abominable creation spawned forth from that most diabolical of games: Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. It’s literally the creation of a mad man. 30,696 foot of roller coaster track that takes 70 real word minutes for one kart to complete.
That equates to FOUR in-game years. Four years! Imagine being stuck on a roller coaster for four damn years. And here’s the best bit. The “exit” which is accessible only via a winding path that takes one year to navigate, is just another entrance to the ride. THE RIDE NEVER ENDS.